Wednesday, September 14, 2011

When I'm on my knees, I get up..


There's that word again. Pain. Fuck Pain. How about TIRED for a word. How about FUCKING EXHAUSTED. My life is exhausting.

Most of the time, I'm fine. But nights like tonight, I just can't deal with life. I feel like I'm being pulled in 500 different directions. My clients need me. My husband needs me. My friends need me. My family needs me. My kids need me. I need me. Time to myself. I need time to blast my music and write. I need time to quiet my mind and meditate.

It's one of those nights that I can't bear to hear "Mommy" one more time. I don't want the phone to ring. I don't want to answer any questions. My brain is mush. My body is tired.

Yet there is so much that needs to be done. Sometimes no matter how effective my time management skills are, there simply just isn't enough hours in the day. It's almost 9pm now. I should be winding down to get a good night's sleep. That's not going to happen. Rarely does it. I mostly go to sleep in the early hours of the morning, operating on an average of 5 hours of sleep per day. Sleep deprivation and poor nutrition is just a recipe for crashes like these.

When I feel like this, it's hard to find the energy to face another day. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I just want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world for a while. But I don't. I get up each morning with confidence to face the day because I know I can. When I feel overwhelmed, I draw energy from my husband. He believes in me. He is the reason I have the courage to face the world.

So this is what I have to say about PAIN. There are very few things in this life that can hurt me worse than I've already been hurt. Everything else is minuscule.

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