Saturday, September 17, 2011

My mother went to college

I lost my mom when I was 23 and my son was 3. I'm 29 now. The age my mom was when she lost her mom. I was 12 at the time and my brother was 9. I'm in awe that I have a 9 year old...I couldn't imagine have a 12 year old too. But I do know what it's like not to have your mom with you for your children's milestones. Or just to be there for you when you need her. I really miss my mom when I'm sick. I was sick during the week. It's strange how something as simple as a cold towel to the forehead can bring you back to your childhood days when your mom (and grandmother) would take care of you when you were sick. I remember my mom crying for her mom when she was sick...I didn't really understand at the time cause I was there to take care of her. But now I one takes care of you like your mom.

As I get older, I have more respect and appreciation for my mother than I did when she was alive. I think that is natural. As you become a mother and have life experiences, you start to understand your own mother more.

I remember when my mom went to college. She went to Remington, I think. I'm pretty sure. I guess I was about 15.. I was a teenager, so wrapped up in myself I guess, that I didn't fully understand how hard it must have been for her. She didn't finish high school. She dropped out her freshman year. She did get her GED...after I was born, I think. She was a young mom and married young. She had been working jobs since she was 14 to help support her family. How courageous that she decided to go back to school after all those years. I remember she attended school during the day and worked nights at the post office. I went to her graduation. I came across the photos the other day. I'm not even sure I told her I was proud of her. I hope I did. That is so important. If you get anything at all from reading this blog, remember to tell the people in your life that you are proud of them.

Mama, I am and always will be very proud of you and the sacrifices you made for your family. See you on the other side. xoxo

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

When I'm on my knees, I get up..


There's that word again. Pain. Fuck Pain. How about TIRED for a word. How about FUCKING EXHAUSTED. My life is exhausting.

Most of the time, I'm fine. But nights like tonight, I just can't deal with life. I feel like I'm being pulled in 500 different directions. My clients need me. My husband needs me. My friends need me. My family needs me. My kids need me. I need me. Time to myself. I need time to blast my music and write. I need time to quiet my mind and meditate.

It's one of those nights that I can't bear to hear "Mommy" one more time. I don't want the phone to ring. I don't want to answer any questions. My brain is mush. My body is tired.

Yet there is so much that needs to be done. Sometimes no matter how effective my time management skills are, there simply just isn't enough hours in the day. It's almost 9pm now. I should be winding down to get a good night's sleep. That's not going to happen. Rarely does it. I mostly go to sleep in the early hours of the morning, operating on an average of 5 hours of sleep per day. Sleep deprivation and poor nutrition is just a recipe for crashes like these.

When I feel like this, it's hard to find the energy to face another day. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I just want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world for a while. But I don't. I get up each morning with confidence to face the day because I know I can. When I feel overwhelmed, I draw energy from my husband. He believes in me. He is the reason I have the courage to face the world.

So this is what I have to say about PAIN. There are very few things in this life that can hurt me worse than I've already been hurt. Everything else is minuscule.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Technical Difficulties

Nothing can ruin my work day (or night as the case may be) like a printer that won't print. When technology doesn't work, it really slows down my productivity and aggravates my life like you wouldn't believe. Like I've mentioned before, I have a husband who sacrifices his piece of mind to deal with technical insanity. BUT he's sleeping right now, so I attempt to do it myself.

The printer says it has a paper jam. Okay I say. I take apart the back, like it instructs me to. I see a tiny piece of paper. I take it out. Phew! That was easy. Until I try to print something else. Paper jam again. I take apart the back three times and I still don't see any paper jam. I turn off the printer thinking maybe it's having a bad night and needs some meditation time. You know, time to itself. I turn it back on hoping it has worked out any issues on its on own. No such luck. I truly feel like taking my baseball bat to it.

I try to make sense of why I must go through this type of aggravation. I mean, how is this helping me? The only thing I've come up with is that I am only so lucky to be sitting in my air-conditioned house with enough food and water blogging about how aggravated I am that my printer isn't cooperating. There are people in third world countries right now sleeping on dirt floors with the bugs, starving and probably wishing for my kind of 'problems'.

Friday, September 9, 2011



I guess that ties my entire post yesterday.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

My life goes like this...

So I go to my afternoon English class. Afterward, I plan to get a coffee at the little CCs booth. They are closed. So I drive to CCs in River Ranch. I order my coffee in the drive-thru and when I go to pay...I realize I don't have my wallet. I start to panic cause I distinctively remember putting it in my backpack. I calm myself down by telling myself that it wasn't in my backpack. I tell myself that it's at home.

I go home. Nope, it isn't there. Sooooo I lost it somewhere between where I park and where I go to class. I picked up my daughter from child care and she came with me to look for it, stroller and all. This happens to me often. I lose my wallet and phone often. The wallet, I always find. The phone was stolen once.

I'm pushing a stroller on campus (as if I don't look old enough) and running through my head how many cards I would need to cancel if I don't find my wallet. THANK GOD it was still in my English class on the floor. I mean really, I've got to stop doing this. It's a total waste of time to have hunt down something I lost. My husband thinks I'm lucky to always find it and is sure my luck will run out. I don't believe in luck. Only fate. And faith. I believe whatever is supposed to be will be, even if I can't see the purpose with my rational mind. For whatever reason, I was supposed to be chasing down my wallet today. And I always have faith that things will turn out okay. Law of attraction.

The wallet thing is one example of how my life goes. I also live by signs. You may know them as coincidences. I don't believe in coincidences. I think everything that happens to us, no matter how minute it may seem is placed in our path for a reason. I've trained my brain to stay atuned to these signs. I'll give an example.

I write reflections on Sunday mass. I attend mass to hear the sermon. It always has something in it meant for something in my life that I need. One Sunday I wrote about how we as humans are supposed to go through pain and bear it. Not run from it or pray for it to disappear but to bear our cross and pray for strength.

Sometime during that week, I was struggling in my math class. I went to see my professor for help. Of course I'm completely aggravated with math and myself. He said something to me that really stayed with me. It's supposed to be hard. Pain is absolutely necessary to learn. That ties into what I was reflecting on Sunday.

I never connected pain with learning before. The fact is, I never thought of learning as hard. Not in a school setting anyway. Everything I've ever done has always come easy to me. So I always looked at school as not a place to "learn" but a place to showcase how "smart" I was. Maybe the correct word is 'am' because I do it now in real estate classes. Let me backtrack and correct myself. Not everything came easily to me in school. I remember once in junior high, we had to build a rocket. I let someone else build mine. In high school, I couldn't draw to save my life in the visual arts portion of fine arts so I let someone else draw my work.

I still do the same things today. If it doesn't come easy to me, I simply don't do it. My better half does those things for me (computer repair stuff, website maintenance, manual labor, etc) cause that's what he's good at.

I did believe people when they would say college is 'hard'. But what I thought was hard was the time it took to complete. I never really expected to struggle in any of my classes. I felt like a complete dumb ass for struggling in math because I'm supposed to be good at math. According to me anyway. I like math. I always thought it was pretty cool that I was really good at English/History yet excelled in math. Typically, you have one or the other.

A friend's husband helped tutor which I can't be more grateful cause I'm finally understanding what it is that I'm looking at when I sit down to do math homework. He also told me that it's supposed to be hard. But I kept thinking still, "But not for me. It's not supposed to be hard for me. I'm supposed to be good at this."

My professor told me one day that my ego is getting in the way. I never thought of myself as having a big ego. I'm conceited, yes. But pretty open-minded.

There's a point to all this info. It's late and I'm wired up on coffee so I'm not doing a good job of tying it all together.


It made me think of my professor and his emphasis on pain. So I shared it with him. He thought there was one thing missing....humility. When I read that word, I was speechless. At the time I couldn't explain why but I was.


THAT was exactly how I felt when I read that word humility. I do have a big ego. I get in my own way. I think I'm so smart that I don't allow myself to struggle with things I am 'supposed' to have a grip on. It's true for school, my emotions, my work...everything.

So that's how my life goes. Everything I need always comes to me. Whether it's information, signs, a lost item, a person, a commission to pay a bill, etc it's there. I think that rings true for everyone. The trick is to recognize it as something you need rather than what you wanted or expected.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day..

Last year at this time, if someone would have told me that I'd be in college in a year, I would have thought the idea was absurd. I actually didn't decide to enroll until June. I received a sign from God and I applied the next week.

Labor Day 2010 will be a day I will always remember. I was miserably pregnant with what felt like the most gigantic baby ever. She wasn't due until September 25th but I was so sure I would have her in August. When that didn't happen, I wished for it day after smoltering hot day. The Thursday before Labor Day, I learned that I was 4cm dialated so I thought for sure I'd have her by Labor Day.

At the same time I was hoping to go into Labor, her godmother was hoping I wouldn't. At least, not until she got back from Las Vegas. She took a weekend trip in a private plane with her husband and another couple. The other couple was a friend from work and her husband had a pilot's license.

I've always hated little planes and vowed never to ride in any. I had a bad feeling about this plane since the idea was first conceived. I didn't want her to go. I made her call me before every take off and after every landing.

This isn't just a friend of mine. I've known her all my life. She is my cousin but much more than that...she is a sister to me. We've been through everything together. She is always there for me. I could not imagine life without her.

In the morning, I received a voicemail from her saying they were about to make the trek back home. I took a long nap in the afternoon and when I woke up and didn't have a missed call from her but from her mother instead, I instantly knew something was wrong. I soon learned that their plane had crashed. It was a nightmare. My fears had come true. The pilot died. His wife lived for a while but eventually passed. My cousin, Tamika's husband wasn't on 100% life support. I cannot imagine how she got through that. To lose two friends and possibly her husband next.

I was absolutely hysterical over here. I couldn't fly to be by their side. I was stuck here getting information daily from her mom. I cried...alot. I've known her husband since I'm 5. We're all from a small town. He and Tamika have been dating on and off since we are ten. I'm proud to say he is a friend and part of my family. I was horrified to think we might lose him. I prayed alot for Tamika's healing physically and emotionally.

It was a rough time. Tamika and her mom weren't there for the birth of my daughter. Thank God for Skype. We were able to see and talk to each other from a hospital in Lafayette, LA to Las Vegas, NV.

I'm very happy to say that both of them, Tamika and Randal made it out alive and are here with us still. I know it was and is a hard road for them but they are very lucky as they aren't paralyzed or disfigured. I mean, who survives a plane crash? I love them both and hope they will be in my life as long as I'm living.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Not enough hours in the day...

I've always struggled with this. I can honestly say that it is a very rare occasion that I'm ever bored.

I wanted to blog last night to vent my frustrations of the many demands in my life. I chose not. I don't want to complain. I mean, really....who wants to hear that shit? Sigh. BUT I will say they way I felt at about 11pm was very similar to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff". I think that's the title of that track.

Of course I'm very type A (or so I've been told) so when things are done or are not in order, it aggravates my life. My life is so full, my schedule needs to run like a fine-tuned machine to fit everything in. When the unexpected happens, like sicknesses, it really throws a wrench in my tires.

Breathe. Today is a new day and I plan to take this weekend to get back on track.

Hope everyone has a safe, fun weekend in spite of Tropical Storm Lee.